My 2011 is a rollercoaster ride. There were pauses but will leave you nauseous and with rolling head, and then there would be another hit again. This year made me roll around circles without knowing when and how to stop. It hits like hell. From January up to December, occurrences were really heedful. Every night I was hoping that when the sun will shine the following day, it’s going to be a brand new day. I swear that was almost every night and every day. This year pull me out of the circulation, and forced my hand to let go of the rope.
Pain, frustrations, embarrassment, failures… name it! My 2011 brought it all in my life. I was at my worst, really. Enumerating it one by one will not do any good. Naming names was never my style. I’m actually the one who always tries to avoid arguments/conflicts with anyone, but I exploded. I run out of patience. I busted. So I decided to just lock myself, and temporarily bid goodbye from the circulation. It was so dim. I even asked a friend to just wake me up when September ends, but I rephrased it after October, and said, “Wake me up when 2011 ends.” I guess my words sometime could mean a lot. After the typhoon Pedring and the 10-day flood in our place, the storm of my life didn’t stop. I was always waiting for the thunder to quit hitting, because I was collapsing. But fate has its own way of stopping. Just like a person suffered from Transient Ischemic Attack the first time, it will take some time to return to homeostasis, thus the troubles of life has its own way of ending. I remember one friend told me when we were still in college that if you got lots of problems on hand, list it all and face the one which you already have solutions, and let go first of those beyond your control, for in time it would all be resolved. Timing is everything. Sometimes no matter how hard you push it, if it is not meant to reach its ending, may it be a happy or a not so good ending, it will not end yet. We are just human beings, not created to be perfect, and entitled with limitations, because there are things in life that only God is capable of doing.
What happened in my year was a way to realizations… everything… every aspect. Yes! My life just messed up. The principles and some beliefs of my entire 25 yrs in the world just changed. Now I know the reason behind my why’s and how’s since I was a teenager. Questions in mind for years now have been answered. It pains, because reality really bites most of the time. But in life, most lessons are learned the hardest way, because we always stand with what we believe is right, and fight for what we believe is going to make us happy. I guess every day of our lives we can discover lots from our self. Things that we never really thought we could do; words we never really thought we could utter and beliefs that we never really thought could changed.
There are times that I want to fight for people but I needed to do the other way because for me their words and deeds were not right anymore… already against my belief. It hurts me when I see people close to my heart in tears, but I lost the sword to help them fight because the tiredness and pain killed my soul. I was in so much blues. My heart was really breaking. I was so wrecked. For some people, I maybe wrong but for some I know they would understand. We can never give something that we don’t have. We cannot force ourselves to run if both knees are wounded; it might turn out into worst. Saving me may be an act of selfishness but if that’s the only way to get up and move forward again, I think it’s forgivable. I am no saint. Just like anyone else, I am just an ordinary individual. It is hard to fight alone. It is even harder to walk alone, and deal with all the unnecessary circumstances… ALONE, when you all have someone to lean on beside you, again I was alone. It was never easy to face this troubled world alone. I just get tired of making you all believe that I am strong when deep inside I was in tears and continuously hurting. That could be a surprise in your eyes and ears, for I never done that. I am not aspiring to be awarded as the best anyway. But believe me, all the pieces of neurons were trying to understand it all, but all neurons failed. I lost all the resorts and reasons. But that doesn’t mean my love just depreciated. I love you all with all my heart, thus I was hurting. And I am sorry, I know I hurt you all too.
The 365 days of 2011 was also an ending in tons of stuff. I ended one job to do one important thing that I’ve been holding on for years. I may have failed with that, but I know it was worth the try. It broke my heart but I know God will give me the direction to the path He has destined for me.
Along the way, I ended up knowing people who are really true to me, who care and who loves me and will always love me. We were surrounded with lots of people, but there are times that we can never distinguish who’s wearing a pretty fooling mask. I may not be as perfect as all of them, but I know my rights and I am educated enough to know what is right from wrong. I know my flaws and I do have the guts to admit it and apologized. You can never use a name behind his/her back, for everybody deserves to be respected. I’m sorry, you maybe all intelligent, but not wise enough to know how to use words and names.
For the past 12 months, I got to reunite with the great people from my past… old friends/colleagues that I never had a conversation with for years now. And oh I was able to see people (accidentally) who touched my heart in their own ways, way back that I’ve been longing to see the past few years… I may have blown the chance to greet one, but I was able to talk and smile with the other one. It was fulfilling, knowing that I’ve never seen them after all that happened. For me, it’s putting a period formally, though it ended long time ago.
So few more hours (less than 2 days to be exact) before the year changed, I accidentally found out something that I knew since then, could give a huge impact in me. I was crying and literally stocked up that moment, but on the other hand, I knew that was a way of setting me free. I was waiting all this time, hoping and praying for one dream to happen, but it didn’t turn out the way my heart wanted it to be. I’ve been getting false reassurances and broken promises; heard words that you always swallow upon confrontation all these time. I have always believed in you because I have loved you so much. I have fought for this feeling because I was hoping that one day you would be able to see me, not just someone that you needed but wanted. I was wrong. “Beautiful reasons are great alibis.” And I get tired though a part of was still clinging then, until this thing happened. I knew God was preparing me for this revelation the past few months. I know this was the final hit of 2011. I was always trying to fit in, and hoped to have a little space in your life, even if it’s already hurting me. My heart was breaking, for I know no one ever deserves to be in shadows… I may not be the prettiest or the smartest, but I am human and I deserve to be seen. However, I’m still thankful that the final hit happened before the year end, (as early as this) so that as I start my 2012 journey, I got no more excess baggage or questions left unanswered. It’s clearer now. As an old cliché says, “The truth will set you free.” - Always. No more blind folds this time. I’ve been going back and forth in the first 4 stages of moving on (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression) for the past years (yes! yearS), now it’s time to achieve the last stage – Acceptance. “There are things in life that no matter how much we have always wanted, and how much we have fought for it… just couldn’t be.” – A sad reality but everything happens for a reason.
After all these events, I am now standing and facing the world again with a smile and a renewed spirit… an enlightened mind, open heart, and welcoming arms for what 2012 is going to offer. As what a good friend of mine said, “stronger Queency”. Things just needed to break so that things will fall into place. Some things just needed to end for us to start a new beginning. Some people just needed to depart for us to see who’s going to arrive. This is Life, where the only constant thing is change. Everything is temporary. No anything or anyone is perfect. We all have flaws but there will always be people who will see the goodness in us no matter how a situation can bring out the worst in us.
Always take care of yourself because at the end of the day, it could just be you alone, for everything around us are temporary. Give your hands but never the whole arms.
To the people who would be able to read this entry, when you are in trouble and feels like every aspect of your life collapsed, keep this in mind and heart: He will never give You any trial, without giving you the power to surpass it. Every feeling you feels and every question that bother you will always mean something. It could be a realization or a preparation for what’s going to happen. “Matalino ang Dyos!” Surrender all Unto Him, for His plans are better than ours. And at the lowest point of your life, when you already run out of numbers to count and lost the sword to fight, Let go and Let God… “He works in ways we cannot see!”
This entry is too long now. Hahaha! But before I end this, I just want to express my deepest gratitude to those people who never leave my side, and who always listen to my sentiments… You know who you are. I love you all from the bottom of my heart. And to the big Man in the Sky, Thank You for Your unconditional love and for being with me all throughout. I know You will never leave my side. Your words most especially during the Misa de Gallo soothe my dying soul, and Your power heals my bleeding heart. Thank You my dear Creator. I love you!
Goodbye to you my dear 2011. I may have cried a lot and got hurt so much, but I will never forget you because you taught me a lot. You awakened me and every little thing that happened makes me a better person. Now I am ready to put my first step forward towards a happy and an optimistic journey this 2012. *smiling*
I am Queency Santos, and I survived 2011. :)
Very good vibes for 2012. :)
I am claiming you, dear 2012. I know you will give me so much bliss, love and success. :)
